Sixty-nine days. Sixty-nine days until I change my life forever. Humorous. 69.
In her book The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion complains, "Was it only by dreaming or by writing that I could find out what I thought?"
So here I am, writing. To find out what I think.
I've been too busy to write.
I've been too private to write.
I remember how annoyed I would get at Wide Blue Eyes, how she would always IMMEDIATELY put forth every single thought that crossed through the transom of her mind, every single thing she thought she heard from God. She would proclaim it to us as if it were hot news, news that was somehow now law that we had to abide by. The spiritual whims of the that clan became the stick by which all our spirituality was measured.
I don't want to be that.
But I do need to know what I think, so I will write.
I remember once a confirmed bachelor explaining a married friend's irresponsibility by saying, "Our generation all wants very much to be married AND to not be married." I think there is truth there.
What if I don't like being married?
What if I am not good at being married?
What if it changes me in a way I don't like; that I lose myself?
Sometimes I think this line of questioning is wholly disingenuous. These thoughts arise from times I am alone, not times I am with him. With him is contentment. With him is home. With him is an acceptance and security I've not had before. I've not ever worked so hard or consistently on a project as I have our wedding. There's nothing I've ever wanted this much.
Other times I realize: We're so busy. I'm barely reading. I'm not writing. He's not taking photographs at the rate he normally does. I like the artist in me, in him. Are we changing for good? Once the wedding and all the hoopla is over, will we get back to being the people we fell in love with?
And then there is this: I WILL change; I already have. I am less accessible to my friends. I will be less accessible to my friends.
But that hasn't ended my friendships with Heather, with Natalie, with Kerry. It need not end all friendships.
I am no longer in a howling well of need. I probably will never go without a square meal or hot water again. I don't lack for hugs or cuddles or encouragement. Not needing, will I somehow lose my edge? Lose my keenness for the spiritual side of life? Prayer? Praise? Reflection? Wonderment?
How much of me has come from my dearths as much as my assets?
So much I can't know.
What DO I know?
I know he and I are honest and of a goodwill to be the best we can be for each other. I trust his heart in this as much (possibly more) than I trust mine.
I know that God is good, and honors all that we give to Him as a gift; the ins and outs of all our days.
I know that marriage is the mystery in which Christ shows for His love for the Church. That I am in awe of the chance to get to play out my days inside that mystery... that somehow I lucked out and got a ticket for the grand theatre performance!
I believe (but do not know, have not yet experienced) that "any two people can have a good marriage if they just make up their minds to!"
I know that my whole life, it is in my nature to take the next adventure. And that this is it. That if I don't take the next adventure, my soul will stagnate and die. So to be the truest to who I am, I must offer my heartsoul up. Offer it to be loved. Offer it to be changed. Offer it up, though I am afraid.
“The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way"
~J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring