"You whisper Your love to me and comfort me with the simplicity that You are in control,
and I am not.
You shelter me with angel's wings that hold me up and make me sing
About the Lifter of my head, the Lover of my soul, the One True God who is always in control.
And maybe if I weren't so stubborn, and maybe if I weren't so prone to wander away,
And maybe if I'd learn my lessons and be perfect... but that's not how I'm standing here today.
Today, I need You; I need You."
~Greg and Rebecca Sparks
Life is good. It is. I have been given a wonderful community of friends and loved ones, a bungalow I love, friends, activities, wonderful work to do in a place that is safe and loving, comfort in worship and prayer.
Yet there are moments even in this bounty of goodness that are excruciating. My parents are divorcing. Sad, abysmal memories surface. Sad, abysmal memories are being created even now. I had a little cancer scare. Many, many things have occurred this autumn that shock and disappoint the heart, and it seems I am always denied the blessings I most crave. (Except the house. God was just crazy nice on that count.) Life is like this.
In this autumn, it was the cancer scare that stopped the panic, at least momentarily. I am given life. Life is good. God gives me Himself daily; His Body and Blood in Communion, in the sunrise, in the smiles of loved ones, the purr of a kitten.
I have always been a questioner and struggler; a girl with a dark turn of mind. My heart knows no other way. Maybe I was always made to be empty. Maybe the places in which I am empty, it is that way because I have not filled those places with Him. (Maybe, supposedly, possibly... we will never know the answer to our "whys" when we want to.) Maybe it's not for a lesson, but just that we live as broken, fallen selves in a broken, fallen world. Maybe none of us are truly full until we are Home.
A dear new friend reminded me recently that God will always give us the medicine that is needed to heal our souls. To be whole, His. The experiences life brings are that medicine. But it is our job to take the medicine. To be comforted that He is in control, rather than any of the other lesser emotions that surface when we feel the control of Another. To offer up the struggle and pain, instead of nurse and shelter it in our hearts.
But that's not how I'm standing here today. Today, I need You; I need You.